Bazooka Joe

I know it's been a while since I've connected so I'm hoping you've all had a good start to the school year. I know, new school year, maybe new schools, new schedules, all of that can really ruffle our feathers, both for our kids and for us. I know this school year so far, we've had to get up about a half hour earlier than we used to and I am not a morning person. And so that has been really challenging. Because it doesn't just start that morning. I have to make sure I get to bed on time the night before and that I have everything cleaned up and everything ready for the morning. But here we are. 

I think we're in our third week of school. Things are getting a little bit smoother, except for the sports schedule, which is changing all the time. I accidentally brought my kid to her practice 45 minutes late. But that's not why I'm writing to you today.

I'm writing to you because I got something funny yesterday and I thought I would share it with everyone. Yesterday I wanted a piece of gum so I looked in my bag. I had a piece of Bazooka Joe gum.  I don't know if you grew up in the 80s, but if you did, you really know Bazooka Joe. It comes with a little comic, which I think is adorable. I had the piece of gum, and then I read the comic. This little comic cracked me up because it actually speaks to all the things I talk about with Collaborative Problem Solving® (CPS).

So the one character in the first box says, “Pesty if you wash your face, I'll give you a piece of chocolate cake.” And then in the second box, it says, “And if you wash your ears, I'll give you two pieces.” And then in the third box, Pesty says, “maybe I'd better take a bath!” 

I thought it was really funny because this is one of the reasons why I have difficulty with rewards and consequences. Because it sounds similar to this little scenario. Let's say it's the parent and the child in this comic. The parent is trying to get the child to clean themselves (I know many parents who have difficulty with getting their child to take a shower). In this case, the parent is saying, “Hey, kiddo, if you comply with my expectation of you cleaning yourself, I'll give you a reward. You know what, actually, if you not only clean your face, but your face and your ears, I'll double that reward.” 

What does that teach the child? Oh, the child was really smart in this comic and said, “hey, what if I take a bath? You'll give me everything?”  So if all we're trying to do is teach right from wrong or just basic things, fine, maybe a reward or consequence will work right? I'm not saying that rewards or consequences are bad. We just want to think through why you are using them and what is your goal with the use of rewards and consequences  

In Collaborative Problem Solving®, we want to do a number of things. We want to build the parent-child relationship and build neurocognitive thinking skills like flexibility, frustration, tolerance, and problem-solving. We also want to reduce these challenging situations, right? 

I don't want to have to fight with my child every darn night about taking a shower because then it's a battle and negotiation of rewards and consequences. We want to find a solution that works long term not just tonight. 

And so with CPS®, what we do is we focus on is what's getting in the way for the child with regards to taking a shower. We might just come at them with some curiosity and say, “Hey, kiddo, I noticed something was up when I asked you to take a shower. What's going on?”

Maybe you get some information from your child like, “well, I don't know. I'm just busy. I'm doing my homework. I've got sports. I'm hungry. I just don't have time for the shower.”  “Okay, I hear you. So do you think there's anything about the shower itself that’s not working for you?”

“No, I don't mind taking showers. I just I just don't feel like I have time for it.” Then the parent might say something like, “I get it. I know you're super busy with your schoolwork. You do have a big load of schoolwork this year and couple that with sports and everything else. And I know when you get home from sports, you're super hungry. At the same time, it's my job as your parent to make sure you clean your body. So I'm wondering what ideas you have about what we can do on those nights that you're super busy and you're tired and you've got a lot on your plate AND you need to clean your body?” It is a bit more nuanced than what I'm describing here, but I'm trying to give you a quick example.

Now we're working collaboratively with our child to find a solution instead of dangling rewards and consequences. When we use the CPR® approach, what are we doing? We're building those thinking skills like flexibility, frustration, tolerance, and problem-solving. We're building that parent-child relationship. We're working towards finding a solution that's long-term, a solution that works for everyone. And hopefully, we're reducing the nightly battle of taking a shower. 

So that's just a super brief example of what CPS® can look like. The Bazooka Joe comic is an example of what it would look like if you're using rewards and consequences. 

So again, I'm not saying they're bad. We just want to be mindful and know that we have a choice in how we handle situations. I want you to take the time to think through and see what might be an option. Try it on and let me know what you think.

Here is a video version of this blog post.

Parenting Challenges

This is not a blog post meant to be critical or judgemental.  So many parents I work with appreciate hearing a different perspective about their child’s behavior.

Hearing a different perspective helps parents understand

a.) why they are getting triggered and

b.) why their child is having a difficult time.  

Here are a few phrases some parents have shared with me that we have discussed- 

When a parent says: “Stop crying. There’s nothing to cry about.”

This is what a child thinks: Well, I can’t help it. I’m just crying. So is something wrong with me? If there’s nothing to cry about, then why am I crying? Again, is something wrong with me? I’m sad and I need my parent’s comfort when I’m sad, but my parent is frustrated and telling me I shouldn’t be crying. So what do I do? I don’t even know why I’m upset, but I’m feeling these feelings and I feel all alone with them. 

As a parent, we should ask ourselves why we need our child to stop crying. What is it about your child crying that makes it difficult for you to hear?  Is it because you think they are faking it?  Is it because you think it isn’t too big of a deal?  

We also should remember that emotional reactions don’t always make sense to us (or our kids). Sometimes big emotions are confusing and scary for kids. They often feel out of control. In the heat of the moment sometimes our kids just need to know there is a safe space for them- and that we are that safe space. 

When a parent says, “if you keep doing that I’m going to lose my temper.”

This is what a child thinks: I’m responsible for my parent’s emotions. I’m not trying to keep doing “that”, but I can’t help it. I want to stop too and if I could, I would. 

As a parent, if we are threatening our child by saying we will lose our temper then that is a clue to us that we need to step away and take a break. Do not put that responsibility on your child. Work out the situation at a later time when everyone is calm and can think clearly. 

When a parent says, “You’re too old to be behaving this way.”

This is what a child thinks:  Something is wrong with me if I am behaving this way.  

As a parent, we have to remember that our kids are developing their brain skills like flexibility, problem-solving, and frustration tolerance until they are in their early twenties.  And brain development is not a linear process.  Many children, can seem really mature one minute and then seem to regress the next minute.  Challenging behavior and their access to their thinking skills are situation and context-dependent.  This is why some kids do well (behaviorally) in school and then have difficulty at home.  Or why some kids easily follow directions at their friends’ houses, but not at their own homes.  

Our role as a disciplinarian is to teach- The word “discipline” is from the Latin word disciplina, meaning “instruction and training.” We are teachers for our children and we are role models.  

Parenting can be hard work and so please remember to offer yourself some kindness and compassion as you walk along this journey, even when you stumble. 

A simple, yet not always easy approach to ending the nagging….

If you are a parent you have probably found yourself repeating instructions like, “clean your room”, “put your laundry away” and/or “feed the dog”.  And my guess is that each time we have to repeat ourselves, we are likely getting increasingly frustrated with our children.  

Parents are often led to believe that offering a reward or issuing a consequence will help motivate our children to do what we are asking them to do.  

But I ask you…does that work?  

When you issue a consequence does that keep your child calm?  I can probably bet that when you use a reward system or a consequence, it may work in the short term, but it often doesn’t work long-term, if at all.  It is also likely that your child escalates in their own frustration that they are being pinned to the consequence.  And finally, I’m sure it doesn’t help in creating a partnership and working alliance between you and your child.

So then what will work?  Well, sad to say there is no magic pill.  But what I can tell you is that there are some simple things you can do to start shifting the power struggle and the nagging.  

First, be curious as to WHY your child may be having a difficult time completing the task you have asked them to do.  There has got to be a reason, it may not be a reason you agree with, but kids do well when they can.  So what is getting in the way of your child completing their daily chores or meeting certain expectations?

Second, help your child understand why it’s important to you that the task/expectation is met.  Just like you don’t have to agree with their reason, they don’t have to agree with you, but in all fairness, they should take it into consideration.  

And finally, partner with your child to find a solution that works for both of you- that meets both of your concerns.  Ideally, have the child generate the solution(s).  

When we shift our mindset away from our children being defiant and disobedient and move to a place of curiosity and partnership, the dynamic shifts in a way that will lead to more collaboration.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I was at the gym this morning for a really tough HIIT class (High-Intensity Interval Training) when I found myself saying, “Don’t give up!” I really did not want to slow down and take a break.  I hear myself say that when I’m running too.  I’ve run several half marathons and have done several multi-day bike rides.  My “rule” was always that I could go as slow as I needed, but I did not ever allow myself to stop.  

REALLY MARIA??

The message I give to parents is to listen to what their body needs and if they need a break, find a way to give themselves some self-care.  And here I am telling myself not to give up! Now I know the situations are a little different.  I get that.  And the thing is, we often hear athletes and other “go-getters” say that they didn’t give up and that’s how they go to the top.  

WHERE AM I GOING?  

Am I trying to get to the top?  The top of what?!  Yes, when it comes to exercise, it does feel good to push through and keep going- sometimes.  But I tend to liken working out to parenting.  

When it comes to parenting, we put up with a lot on our plates.  I have many parents reach out to me and tell me they are exhausted, that they are screaming at their kids all the time, that they snap easily at their partner, etc.  And my answer is….slow down, take a break.  

One of the things I do with some of my clients is to help them identify things that trigger them to get angry, frustrated, annoyed or unsettled.  Once we identify those triggers, we then look at where those triggers “show up” from a physiological standpoint.  Sometimes we feel those triggers in our hands, our feet, our bellies or our chests.  We talk about these being early warning signs that we shouldn’t ignore.  These physiological signals are like big flags being waved us and if there were words on those flags they would say, “SLOW DOWN” or “TAKE A BREAK.” 

Sometimes we don’t listen, but when we do…we can keep going!  And that’s why I titled this post “Slow and steady wins the race”.  What I want to communicate here is that we’re not always going to be able to push through, nor should we.  Taking breaks and honoring our needs will help us get further.  There are even marathon training programs that use a walk-run-walk-run model.  We can reach our goals either way, but if there are some signs showing us to slow down, we really need to take action. 

It’s important we identify what we really need.  That could be in the form of getting support through parent coaching.  Even in my practice, I have some parents who want to sprint to the finish line…and I have to remind them….we need to take our time here.  These challenging situations aren’t going to change overnight, we’re not looking for a band-aid fix, we are looking to develop long-term solutions.  

When we slow down, take a breath, do some self-care, we are taking care of ourselves AND we are role modeling self-care to our kids.  So it’s a good approach for us and for them.  

Just a little reminder for you to check in and remind yourself that you can take care of yourself, you can slow down, and you can still develop all the parenting skills and tools you need to build that connected relationship you want with your child. 

A COVID Diagnosis

I feel like I kind of forgot about my child. On Sunday night, my youngest daughter started to feel some symptoms that seemed clearly to be COVID. So we did an at home rapid test, and it came back negative. The next morning, she still had symptoms so we did another at-home rapid that also came back negative. I decided to take her to the doctor's anyway, since some of the symptoms were consistent with strep throat and I figured whether it was COVID or strep. I wanted to have a physician take a look at her and figure it out. She got swabbed for both and we were left in the room alone for several minutes. The doctor then came back. I don't think either of us really thought what it would be like to receive that diagnosis even though our family has had many COVID tests.

The doctor came back and politely stood at the door without entering the room and said, "I'm sorry, but I can't treat your daughter because she has COVID." It took me a minute to register what she said as she kept talking and giving us the protocols. And then I turned to look at my daughter, who looked back at me with fear in her eyes. I grabbed my little one's hand and pulled her close to me. And she began to sob.

After some words of reassurance from both the doctor and from me, we made our way back to the car. When we got in the car, my little one burst into tears, saying that her biggest fear was that her big sister would be afraid of her and wouldn't want to play with her. As soon as we got home, her big sister wrapped her arms around her and cried and said "I'm so sorry. I love you. You're going to be okay."

We went about that night as normally as we could, discussing it a little bit. We reassured both our children that as adults, we were fully vaccinated, boosted and healthy. And as kids, they were fully vaccinated, and therefore, we thought this would be an easy course.

My husband and I had quickly decided that none of us would mask at home. At that moment, it was a decision of physical health and/or mental health. We took into consideration our vaccination status and our overall health/age. I could not picture the next 5-10 days being masked at our home which is supposed to be a safe space. We opted to lean on the mental health side.

What I didn't realize was that while physically it had been an easy course, mentally it had been a bit more challenging...for my daughter. My oldest daughter, explained that she didn't want her classmates to know about her diagnosis because she did not want to be called COVID on the playground and be made fun of. My younger one also decided she didn't want her friends to know and just decided she would do the remote school and kind of "fit in" with the other kids who either were home because of a COVID diagnosis or because it was the right decision for that family.

The other night when I was putting my little one to bed, my little one began to cry. She said, "Mommy, I don't know why you, daddy and my sister are acting like everything's okay. It's not okay. You guys don't know what it feels like to be the only one in the family with COVID."

In that moment, my heart sank.

I took a moment to acknowledge and validate her concern. "I hear you baby. You're right. We don't know what it's like to be the only one in the family with COVID." We spoke a little bit more about what she was feeling and I explained why we were acting like everything was "ok".

I felt pretty ignorant that I didn't realize psychologically speaking what my child was going through. I'm a Licensed Social Worker and parent coach. And I'm always thinking about thoughts and feelings. But somehow I missed this big one.

Our kids have been living in trauma for almost two years. Our kids have been living in fear for almost two years. I work with parents who have kids with challenging behavior. The reason for the challenging behavior is varied. One common thread right now for most kids, if not all kids is that there is this underlying fear and concern for safety. Parents all over the world are saying to their kids, "It's not safe" or "We need to keep our masks on to be safe" or "That place closed because everyone got sick". Even in my most recent emails, I opened by saying "I hope you and your family had a healthy and safe New Year". There's a whole lot of conversation about being safe and that has taken a toll on all of us, especially our children.

Behavior is a form of communication and therefore, we see challenging behaviors when a child doesn't have the words/tools to communicate their feelings that are beneath the surface. In this case, my daughter didn't exhibit any challenging behaviors and instead was able to clearly communicate her concerns, thoughts and feeling. But this caught me off guard.

There isn't a lesson for me to share here or any wise words of wisdom, rather just me sharing with you as a fellow mom.

#lookingforwardtogether
#thankyoutoourhealthcareworkers

Goodbye Summer, Hello School Year!

It’s that time of the summer again!  Some have already begun school and some of us are just a few short weeks away. During the typical back-to-school season, both parents and kids struggle a bit with the looming expectations and stressors ahead.  This back-to-school season is no different AND we still are grappling with our concerns over COVID.  Some kids are eager to return and some may be a bit apprehensive.  

Taking some time to plan ahead both with and without your child will help make the transition go a bit more smoothly.  With that being said, expect some bumps in the road so that you’re not caught off guard.  And take a look at how Conscious Parenting and Collaborative Problem Solving® can help.

Accepting the child you have.

And letting go of the child we thought or wished we would have. Different kids need different things. It’s important we support our kids based on their specific needs.   Some children tend to be high achievers while others tend to be more lackadaisical about their academic performance.  Some children become highly anxious and become sullen and withdrawn while others who are highly anxious are agitated and reactive.  Honoring and recognizing your child’s strengths and challenges will allow your child to strive for progress rather than perfection. 

What empathy really means.

If we have our own agenda then empathy is a technique we use to try and get our children to do what we want.  When kids struggle with their behavior, there is a bias that parents think the behavior is wilful; that they’re doing this on purpose to get something or get out of something. When we come from a place of curiosity and compassion, we forgo our agenda and we focus on the perspective of the child.  Being empathetic is a process of understanding and a process of communicating with both parties engaged and empowered.  Listen for understanding, not for figuring out a solution.

Get proactive, together.

Why wait until the school year begins and you’re in the middle of homework expectations, sports requirements and other day-to-day stressors to figure out a plan of action?  Let’s get ahead of the game.  Did your child keep forgetting things at school last year?  Did your child consistently fail to get up on time for school?  So what’s the plan for this year?  When a child is struggling to meet expectations we have to remember students do well if they can. So let’s listen! What’s getting in their way? of meeting expectations? Understand their perspective, their point of view, what’s hard for them and then you can share your perspective. Finally, you can put your heads together to collaborate to solve the problem. In a collaborative way, together, you and your child can come up with a plan to proactively addresses some of the challenges that may arise.   

Brains learn best when they feel calm.

As we partner with our children this year and we come upon challenging situations, it’s important to remember that when our children feel calm, they are more likely to tolerate frustration, be flexible, communicate effectively and problem solve. Our goal as parents is to help our children succeed so that we can leverage their natural desire to be successful and not go down the punitive path. So let’s be their partner and move away from punishments and rewards and instead work together to collaboratively problem solve. 

Cheers to a new school year with many opportunities! 

I don't want to be my child's assistant teacher anymore!

I don't want to be my child's assistant teacher anymore!

I am their mother and I really enjoy that role.  As their mother, I tell them to pick up the clothes that are laying on the floor.  I tell them to clean their playroom.  I tell them to set the dinner table.  During this past year, I have also found myself saying things like, “Make sure you participate.” I have also said, “It’s not snack time yet.  Come back later.”  I have said, “Do you have the supplies you need for your science class?”  

I don't want to do this anymore!

I am NOT my child’s teacher that's for sure.  I am grateful to my kids’ teachers.  We have some really wonderful teachers!! They are responsible for planning the content, engaging the students and making sure they teach the curriculum.  I don’t have to do any of that.  But what I find myself doing is a whole lot of “classroom management and support”.  And I’m tired of it.  I’m lucky that I have the kind of work that is flexible.  I can structure my day so that I am available to my children at the times they need me and balance that with seeing my clients virtually.  Lately, I feel like I am at their beckon call all day, every day.  And yes, I can talk to them about our expectations of one another and partner with them to set some boundaries.  But there is still the struggle that I have when I see that they are in the playroom playing and are late for class or when I see that they are not really attending to the teacher.  This struggle is one of “Do I say something?  Is this my job?  If they were in school, I wouldn’t have to say anything”?  I am the type of person who ends up saying something (and there’s no right way).  

But what I find is that I’m tired of saying anything at all and I think my kids are tired of hearing me say something too.  It’s not that my kids are being rude or disrespectful (sometimes they are, but this is not what I’m talking about).  What I’m talking about is a change in our relationship. I get it.  We’re in a pandemic and this is what I have to do. There are parts of it I enjoy, but sadly I am feeling those parts less and less.  My kids are also tired of this.  They show up to call on time every day.  They participate and get their work done.  That being said, their energy to attend and stay focused is not the same as it was in September.  It’s a tough balance between holding our kids accountable and responsible for school and having the flexibility to reflect the challenge of virtual school.  I just don’t want to continue in both the parent role and the teacher-type role.  Some people may say they go hand-in-hand, but I see how taking on this new role can negatively impact our relationship.  

So what do I tell my clients when they come to me with the same struggles? 
Because I know I'm not alone!

I have to offer myself compassion.  I can be tired and fed up and that’s ok.  My kids can be tired and fed up and that’s ok too.  What can I do to re-energize myself?  What can I do to shake things up? What is in my control that I can change?  Are there some boundaries that I need to reaffirm? What are the things that I can let go of and just let be?  What feels good?  What do I need to do to bring more of that into my life? It’s easy to get caught up in the daily stress.  We are all doing as well as we can given what we have. 
 

In the middle of writing this, the school day ended.  It is a rainy day and we don’t have any afterschool activities.  So I thought it would be fun to drive to pick up a super yummy after school snack….and for those of you who are local to Montclair, I went to Mattarello’s Bakery. 

OH YUM!!  

We giggled on the way there, we giggled on the way back and then all three of us indulged in this delicious treat!  Just something to do to shake things up!

This is not meant to minimize our challenges or to say that bombolones solve everything. It's just to say that we can slow down, we can take it day by day. If I had to think about how I'm going to continue doing this until we are back in-person full time I might meltdown. If I focus on just getting though this week, I'll have an easier time.

And so, I’m doing just that.

One Love: Black Lives Matter

Like so many of you, I am heartbroken by the unjust deaths of our black and brown brothers and sisters.  

Like so many of you, I’ve grappled with my own unconscious and conscious biases.

Like so many of you, I’ve tried to wrap my head around what and how I will bring this into my own home so that I can make sure that my children are part of fighting racial disparities and part of the change.  

I am biracial.  I am half Colombian and half Jewish-American.  My mother immigrated from Colombia.  My mother-in-law immigrated from Ireland.  My step-mother immigrated from Senegal.  My sister’s mother-in-law immigrated from Israel. 
 

I have always joked that my family is like the United Nations.  And I wrongfully assumed that I didn’t have to talk about race and racism with my children because our family is a rainbow of beautiful colors and cultures.  

I was wrong.

Silence makes one complicit.

So about two years ago I decided to explore ways to talk to my kids (and kids in general) about race.  I found a site called Raising Race Conscious Children.  They had many resources that I was able to learn from.  I furthered my work in exploring race by joining Montclair’s Fund for Educational Excellent watch group of the documentary America To Me.  We have met weekly for the past several weeks to discuss the film and recent events. We have looked in the mirror and asked ourselves how we can interrupt systemic racism and show up in solidarity with the Black community. This has been really helpful in getting comfortable with uncomfortable topics.  I feel more empowered to share my thoughts and engage in conversations.  

More importantly, I feel a stronger than ever commitment to take immediate action.  We can and we must, do better.  

This is my commitment:

I will take action against racism.

I will listen to and amplify Black voices.

I will educate myself and be in the conversation even when it’s uncomfortable.

I will stand in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement and BIPOC voices.

I will create a safe and inclusive environment for everyone in my community.

“So often, people are waiting for a leader to come along. You don't have to 

wait for someone else.”

---Bettina Love

Siblings During Quarantine

Yesterday I took my youngest daughter out for a bike ride through town as we had to drop some things off to several friends.  My older daughter didn’t want to go so it was just me and the “little one.”  Shortly into the ride she said, “I’m glad to get a break from my sister.  Sometimes I just need some space.”  It was such a mature and insightful comment that it nearly threw me off of my bike!  I hadn’t realized it, but it felt good for me too!  It felt good to have some one-on-one time with my daughter, not have my husband around, and of course to be outside!  

We rode our bikes for a little over an hour and a half.  We physically distanced our quick hellos to our friends and shared some laughs and smiles that couldn’t be seen under our masks.  And then we made our way back home.  On our way back my daughter said, “I can’t wait to get back and see my sister.”  Shortly after she made that comment my husband called and said that our older daughter was eagerly waiting for her sister to get back so they could play.  It was so sweet that after being together for 60+ days (I think, who really knows??) they have gotten so close and really need each other.

My girls are only 20 months apart and so they play together A LOT.  They are 7 and 8.5 years old right now.  Often when they play, they get into these imaginary games with their dolls and Barbies and it seems they are in their own little bubble.  They play and they play and they laugh and they laugh and they create and imagine and nothing can stop them!  

AND THEN….a fight comes along!  Yes, it happens! UGH! Sometimes it’s a quick spat and other times it is a real blow out.  And this is what many of us with multiple children have been dealing with all along, but somehow during this time of quarantine it either seems to be more often and/or we are less able to tolerate it.  It often feels easy to just separate the kids, threaten them, yell at them and/or just let them have it out. That being said, most of us probably want to find a way to deal with and manage these quarrels in a proactive way and a way that feels like we’re teaching skills related to frustration tolerance, flexibility, problem-solving, patience, and respectful communication.

So, in a nutshell this what we can do:

• Instead of diminishing negative feelings about a sibling, we can acknowledge the feelings.

• Help children channel their hostile feelings into symbolic and/or creative outlets.

• Reflect each child’s point of view and or help by describing for them what you see.

• Work on teaching children how to problem solve (through Collaborative Problem-Solving®).

• Instead of worrying about giving equal amounts focus on each child’s individual needs.

I know parenting siblings isn’t easy.  And now, we’re not getting any breaks and neither are they. All the challenges that were there before that we were able to sweep under the rug while they were at school are creeping out. And so, I’ve decided to offer a workshop on siblings.  Here is the link if you’d like to join.  

Maria Sanders is a Licensed Social Worker and PCI Certified Parent Coach®. She works with parents struggling with any parenting challenge, from getting a child to sleep to communicating with a taciturn teen. A lot of her work is supported by Conscious Parenting and Collaborative Problem Solving. Maria Sanders is Certified in the Collaborative Problem Solving® (CPS) approach by Think:Kids, a program based in the Department of Psychiatry at the Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, MA

Maria works one on one with parents virtually (phone or video) or in her Montclair office. She offers programs to public schools, independent schools, preschools, pediatrician offices, professional organizations, and corporate settings. Find out more through her website.

How does stress & anxiety show up in our kids and how to we support them through it?

We are all surrounded by this tragedy and uncertainty.  The stress and anxiety that this reality plays out is different for all of us.  And for some adults and kids, this type of stress and anxiety is a new and unfamiliar feeling. Being home all day every day is very different than what we are used to.  This is a reality with a level of fear, uncertainty, and economic shutdown. This transition is rocky and complex. All that being said, don’t forget that this transition is a process and will take time until we all find our groove.  Some rhythm and flow will begin if it hasn’t already.  

Our lives have been disrupted which includes our comforts, our routines and our support systems. We all have an alert system to warn us of potential danger.  Some of us are more sensitive than others and some people’s alert systems are not as sensitive and this has to do with prior trauma and prior ability to manage and regulate during times of stress.  On that note, stress is good for us, it’s important and not something we should be afraid of. It’s actually part of how we build resilience. 

So what do we do with all of this stress & anxiety?

I say this time and time again, we need to first start with recognizing our own feelings.  Take a moment to sit with your own stress and anxiety. Our anxiety is often future-based, it’s a threat of the unknown.  We worry about what the future will bring knowing that we can’t control the future. We need to recognize it and then shift the gear into the present moment.  We are not at the mercy of our thoughts. Pay attention to what happens in our thoughts. What are they trying to say? We don’t need to stop our thoughts. We can notice the thoughts and move on.  We have mirror neurons which are neurons in the brain that activate when we perform an action or when we see an action being performed.  If we have a fearful reaction, and we don’t deal with our own fear it will transfer to our kids.  Our kids feel less safe when they pick up on our anxiety, stress and worry. We have the opportunity to work on ourselves.  

How can we help our children?

First, notice what behaviors may be related to their stress & anxiety. Their worries may show up in the form of some challenging behaviors like talking back, regressions in eating habits, regressions in sleeping habits, regressions in bathroom habits.  If you have a tween or teen they may isolate themselves in their room, have difficulty focusing, be more angry than usual or have unexpected emotional outbursts. If you have a toddler they may respond by hitting you or a sibling. Our children are often not able to effectively communicate their worries and concerns in a way that is clear for us to understand.

Secondly, giving your child several opportunities to share their worries is a great gift.  This can be done through talking, through playing out their worrisome scenarios, through drawing or through role-playing.  This might be tough with older kids so it’s then that you’ll want to check-in, but take their lead as to whether they are up for taking.  Using a collaborative approach will help build a connection and solve some challenging behaviors.  When we see challenging behavior it’s because the expectations or demands exceed the ability the child has. So it’s then that our children need even more support from us.

Lastly, get outside, get some movement, use humor, take breaks, spend some time quietly and do whatever is necessary to keep a healthy relationship with another.  That might mean letting go of some of the school and/or work expectations. That might mean letting go of getting the laundry done or that special meal.  Connection and relationship building is what will be the best predictor of making it through this with strength and resilience. 

With regard to resources that could be helpful: Go Zen is a fantastic resource for children with anxiety. Mediation and sleep apps are great for settling down for bedtime or even using mid-day. We really like the Calm app and our new-found buddy, from Zenimals. My girls love snuggling up with their little turtle! This is a fun coloring book to use as a calming strategy. Books are great tools. Books like this one are designed to speak to the child’s age which is great when we can’t find the words. OH and one more thing (there’s just so much!)…for talking to your kids about the Coronavirus you can use this social story or this cute video from Brainpop. If you need more ideas, please reach out.

I’m offering compassion to all of you!  I know this isn’t easy and at the same time, I know you can do it.  And if you feel like you can’t, please reach out. I’ve got your back!

Maria Sanders is a Licensed Social Worker and PCI Certified Parent Coach®. She works with parents struggling with any parenting challenge, from getting a child to sleep to communicating with a taciturn teen. A lot of her work is supported by Conscious Parenting and Collaborative Problem Solving. Maria works one on one with parents virtually (phone or video) or in her Montclair office. She offers programs to public schools, independent schools, preschools, pediatrician offices, professional organizations, and corporate settings.